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Milwaukee Brewers As The Cast Of HBOs True Blood
By Tom Smith
The Milwaukee Brewers suck
the blood out of the Pittsburgh Pirates at will in beer town. If you have been paying attention to the Pittsburgh Pirates recently you are fully aware that the Milwaukee Brewers own them. The Pirates are continually left emotionless by the blood sucking Brewers as evidenced by the Brewers all-time record of 64-37. 29-3 since 2007.
The fangs never die.
Saturday night was no exception as they
dismantled the Pirates in extra innings. Throughout the game we tweeted our prophecy about these vampires and sure enough it turned out that Sorry, We’re Dead against the Brewers.
There is a television show on HBO called True Blood. It reminds us of the Milwaukee Brewers, especially when the Brewers have sucked the blood out of the Bucs to the tune of 38 wins in the last 46. Consider Milwaukee, Wisconsin True Blood’s Bon Temps, Louisana.
Here are the Pirates killers from the Brewers cast in True Blood:
This 173 year-old vampire is named Bill Compton on True Blood. He is played by Ryan Braun who has been killing Pirates before the team even existed, don’t try and add it up.
Prince Fielder is the world’s largest vegetarian, but don’t let that fool you. This big bastard loves Pirates blood just as much as he does tofu. Yeh, he is just like LaFayette, he has all kinds of things going on, but the main thing is destroying Pirates pitching. Two more bombs last night give him eight against the Bucs this season, and his 314 consecutive games played streak is a testament to the supernatural power of vampires, no matter their size or sexual preference.
An old and powerful Kentuckian vampire, Corey Hart has an imposing stature and the ability to destroy Pirates pitcher Paul Maholm at will. His 1.124 OPS against Maholm is very attractive, much like Eric is to the fang bangers as some fans of True Blood are known.
Much like Alcide on True Blood, George Kottaras is a relatively new character in the Brewers lineup. It didn’t take him long to learn the ropes however. While Alcide is a werewolf and must do favors for Eric on occassion, Kottaras is doing Pirates pitchers no favors this season. He has an OPS of 1.297 and has a hit off every Pirates pitcher he faced, except one. By the way, Kottaras is hitting .400 against the Bucs this season with four homers, while hitting .195 overall on the season.
It appears a new vampire named Jonathan Lucroy has taken the catching job. Lucroy already has four hits in this series with one homer. Interestingly, Lucroy went to college in Louisana. Hell, it all makes sense.
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