The Pittsburgh Pirates need your help Santa. Real bad. We aren’t sure if anyone has ever given you a list of just what the teams’ wish list is, so here you go big guy.
Garrett Jones: A left-handed pitching machine to hit off of all winter long. Heh, maybe you could send him Hisanori Takahashi since he’s not real busy. It would help his confidence Santa.
Gaby Sanchez: A plane ticket.
Neil Walker: A 2013 season that matches the time spent working his ass off this winter. We spent some time recently with the Pittsburgh Kid and his gorgeous wife. The guy looks like he is training for an MMA fight.
Clint Barmes: Santa, he played best while Cocktailsfor2 was watching. Make the guy Barmes’ Fan Club President, get the guy season tickets, his own plane and suddenly Barmes is an All-Star.
Andrew McCutchen: Nothing. St. Nick–He’s got it all. No. Wait. Bring him those chains that weigh 60 pounds this offseason please dear Santa.
Pedro Alvarez: A sculpted body after working out with McCutchen this offseason. I’m thinking Pedro will need some 75 pound chains.
Starling Marte: Coachability.
Travis Snider: A season that matches that so often discussed upside.
Jose Tabata: A season that matches that so often discussed upside.
Jerry Sands: A season that matches that so often discussed upside.
Russell Martin: Pitchers who at least try to hold runners.
Michael McKenry: A hot bat and the return of his strong throwing arm.
Tony Sanchez: Godspeed.
A.J. Burnett, Francisco Liriano, James McDonald, Wandy Rodriguez: A time machine to bring back their success from years gone by.
Kyle McPherson: Good health.
Charlie Morton: A smooth recovery.
Gerrit Cole: Humility.
Jameson Taillon: A slider.
Jeff Locke: Courage.
Jason Grilli: SACK.
Jay Bell: Patience.
Rick Sofield: A never say die attitude to teach base running skills.
Ray Searage: An ass cushion because it would be nice if he didn’t have to leave the bench and walk to the mound as much as he did in 2012.
Clint Hurdle: A years supply of 162 game energy.
Bob Nutting: Coal.
Frank Coonelly: Serenity.
Neal Huntington: Perserverance.
And for the rest of us: Health, Happiness, and an end to the losing streak. Please Santa, we swear we’ve been good this year.
Merry Christmas to all!