Virginia: Is this stupid blog rumor true?
Dad: It’s true honey, the Pirate Parrot is now in Chicago. He’s Clark the Cub now.
Virginia: (lip quivers) W…what are you…what?
Dad: Stop crying. Stop it. We will explain it all very soon.
Virginia: I feel so sorry for Parrot. Who did this to him Dad, Bob Nutting?
Dad: (lip quivers) Yes…we’re the minor leagues for Cubs mascots darlin’
Well Pirates fans we think this nasty rumor might be true. But for now, when Opening Day comes along just act like nothing changed. Stop crying dammit.
Now let’s get down to the point of all this in game entertainment horse shitt. We need to analyze this deeply concerning news. The first reaction was one of shock.
How does such delicate news like this get out? Apparently, the Pirates aren’t as serious about their brand as Disney. When was the last time you read about Mickey Mouse punching out and heading north on 95 for the Philadelphia Phanatic gig?
After we slept on this news for a few days we think it comes down to this. Clark the Cub seems like a lateral move. What a waste of hip wiggling, dreadlock wearing talent.
Now to wax poetic a bit. The Pirates Parrot has come a long way. The look wasn’t trendy, but Parrot brought home a World Series trophy during his rookie year in 1979. Not a sniff of a championship since then though. Oh you remember when Parrot was slinging more than t-shirts back in the day. Back when the Pirates were champions.
The Parrot has gotten chunky, but Parrot has aged gracefully. Now how about the look of the original Cubs mascot?
— Brian Paul (@BrianMPaul) January 13, 2014
The idea of Clark the Cub infuriates some diehard Cubs fans. We agree that the timing was pretty bad for the Cubbies. Chicago is a rather pure baseball experience. While Parrot is loved in Pittsburgh, it’s going to take some time to for Clark to be the babyface in Chi Town.
But the bottom line is this. While the new look Parrot never saw a World Series, wasn’t the success of last season enough to keep him around? What’s with the Parrot pulling an A.J. Burnett? Clark the Cub was an internet sensation thanks to Deadspin, but in the end it’s just a dead end gig. It’s the Cubs for God sakes. Good riddance we say, but this still makes me want to fly to Chicago, down a dozen Old Styles and boo his ass.
Like Burnett, Parrot sucked when it mattered most anyway. Shame on these fans for giving him a standing ovation.