The Pirates Fan ‘Don’t Be A Douchebag’ Guide To 2014 MLB Postseason

Oct 1, 2014; Baltimore, MD, USA; General view of 2014 MLB Postseason logo on the field during workouts the day before game one of the 2014 ALDS at Oriole Park at Camden. Mandatory Credit: Joy R. Absalon-USA TODAY Sports

The National League Wild Card Game is back in Pittsburgh, the gateway to the 2014 MLB Postseason.    A few things could happen when the Pirates take on the Giants tonight.  The biggest thing is that it could be the final game for a few players.  Russell Martin is a free agent after the 2014 season.  The Pirates catcher is coming off a career year.  The last thing we want is for tonight to be the final night he pulls on a Pirates jersey.  So DONT LET IT HAPPEN!

Sorry.  Just had to get that out of the way.  Over the years, we have issued this stupid guide and it’s seemed to work.  Here we go again.

HECKLE WISELY

Read the Ten Commandments of Heckling.  Read it again.  Practice.  The MLB Postseason demands your best Heckle Game.  Your best #HunterPenceSigns

Hunter Pence Signs was trending in the United States today. Here are the funniest.

HECKLE RELENTLESSLY

Should Edinson Volquez give up a run or two earlier, don’t stop making noise.  The Giants dominate if they get an early lead.  If San Francisco takes the crowd out of the game, there will be no Nationals series.

NO SMOKING

Don’t smoke in your seat. Because smoking in your seat leads to security guards losing fingers, aggravated assault, conspiracy, harassment, disorderly conduct and of course, public drunkenness.

If you want to be the google image result for PNC Park fans, by all means go ahead and smoke in your seat.

DRINK RESPONSIBLY

Don’t get hammered in the lot and stumble into PNC.  Act like you’ve been here before.  You will likely be back for the Nationals series and see a lot of those same people who saw you throw up in the stands.

And if you see Mr. USA, say hello.

SO… YOU’RE NOT GOING TO DRINK RESPONSIBLY

Look, we understand.   We got you.  So here’s your game plan.  Before you do your fifth funnel, print this article out, bookmark it on your smart phone.  You’re welcome.

SPELL CHECK

If you’re going to make a sign, check the spelling.  National Television, everyone. C’mon.

LEAD THE YOUNG & THE FOOLISH

Don’t make fellow Pirates fans look like a tool.  Got the wrong hand on top???  Coach em up!

STAY CLASSY

Tip your beer man.  Tip him well.  Beerman doesn’t set the prices.

WEAR BLACK

It’s a BLACK AHT again!  Wear black by all means.

When the Bucs take care of business against the Giants, we are showing up with the lucha mask.  And it’s gonna be good.  Get something black and wear it to the game.  Andrew McCutchen loves black, so you love black.

WAVELESS

Don’t do the wave.  That’s been covered before by  Campbell in the PNC Park Attendee’s Definitive Guide to NOT Being a Jagoff.  Instead of the wave, think of something else to do with your time.

ORIGINALITY

This is where Pirates fans have improved.  Should be all about fun, original fandom this October.  Scream anything – but don’t do the wave!

WWKD?

And remember this, Kenny is watching. Scream like you’re Kenny for a night or two this postseason.

Now watch: