We checked the standings and found the Philadelphia Phillies in some strange territory. Justin runs one of the best blogs on planet earth, That Balls Outta Here He is a rightfully proud, always sarcastic and original, but
sometimes most of the time pissed off Phillies fan. So we reached out to see if he wanted to answer a few questions for us because we just couldn’t believe the powerhouse cross state rivals are sucking so bad. It’s such a shame.
So, Justin how is life as a Phillies fan these days?
Great. The team is fine and the city is fine and we’re all fine and we’re great. Thanks. Thanks for asking. Thank you. What have you heard.
What has gone so wrong that the Phillies fell so fast?
Well, the main problem is that their bones keep breaking. I can’t remember the last time I saw so many grown men fall down simultaneously. You can stick all the right offensive pieces in there, but if the bigger pieces disappear, suddenly, all we’re left with are a bunch of malfunctioning parts. And Michael Martinez, who is like the piece from an IKEA sofa kit that was included by accident and actually belongs in a water softener somewhere. Except I’m not sure if there’s a water softener out there that’s desperate enough for Michael Martinez.
That, and the main focus of this team, the starting pitching, has through a variety of injury, poor luck, and down years been hardly the force it has been. Combine that with the Lehigh Valley IronPigs bullpen and you’ve got one hell of a mediocre at best ballclub.
The starters in the series seem to favor the Bucs, can you tell us anything about them?
Who is it? Kendrick and Blanton? And Worley I guess? Yeah, great.
Kyle Kendrick is Kyle Kendrick. The hip, pompous Phillies writers out there like to point out that HEY KK HAS PERFORMED IN WHATEVER ROLE THE PHILLIES ASKED AND ALSO HE’S ONLY ALLOWED 7 RUNS A GAME IN THE LAST 20 GAMES AND IF THE PHILLIES GAVE HIM RUN SUPPORT MAYBE HE WOULD BE ABLE TO anyway, they have a point, it’s just Kyle is no ace, and when he’s effective it’s more of a miracle than a standard, and he really shouldn’t be out there in the first place, as a long reliever, the real pitchers just keep getting injured.
Joe threw a CGSO earlier this year and said he felt better than he has in his whole career. “THE NEW ACE?!” we all hoped, as Doc went to the DL and we thought maybe this was the start of the quirkiest season that ever quirked. He wasn’t, though, and in his next five starts everybody teed off on him, making us all realize that Joe Blanton is a back of the rotation guy who will always be that way, and he is vulnerable to lapses in effectiveness same as anyone else, except probably more, because he is a back of the rotation starter and will always be that way.
I like Vance. I think he’ll be fine. He’s young, can’t be intimidated, and has glasses. Yay Vance.
Carlos Ruiz is your leading hitter, one of the best averages in the game…how??
I don’t know. Someone asked how a 33-year-old catcher is still getting better. No one knows. He’s just a great team player and rotation manager and a defensive wall at the plate. All he was missing was offensive prowess, and he seems to have found that. If only it were a year or two ago, he might not be the only one in the lineup hitting the ball consistently. Hell, if only it were game five of the 2011 NLDS.
Are you happy with the production the team is getting from Hunter Pence?
Yes, if I owned a car that ran on stupid-looking swings that more often than not resulted in goofy choppers to the third baseman. I’d never have to pay for gas!
Prediction for how this series turns out?
Kendrick and Blanton throw seven innings combined, Vance takes a shut out into the eighth, only to be removed by Charlie Manuel with a three run lead in place of Chad Qualls, who gives up six runs on two hits and eight walks, then the ball is handed over to BJ Rosenberg who vomits all over the mound, and then in comes Papelbon because Charlie once heard a story from a drunk minor leaguer in a West Virginia bar about bringing in your closer when you’ve just blown the game and the pitcher’s mound is covered with barf.