Rumstradamus is our monthly look at moves the Pittsburgh Pirates will make to bolster their future success. We’ve nailed countless predictions, but there is really no sense bragging about our success.
Let us tell you about what we see in the Pirates future.
Let’s face it the Pittsburgh Pirates have problems. They are, and always will be a small market team in a capitalist built baseball league. Some call it communist.
Ric Flair® is a celebrity and professional wrestler. He doesn’t have a lot of problems. He is known as the “Nature Boy®” Yeh, he has a lot of trademarks. That’s probably smart. He’s been rich, been poor, been rich again and is still working in wrestling years after he should have walked away.
You know the guy, Flair is among the most famous and well-known wrestlers in the world. He’s been a star since Kent Tekulve was mowing down Baltimore Orioles in the 1970′s.
Flair was often popular with the crowd due to his style, his over the top persona, and masterfulness of playing the heel, and most importantly, his shouting of “WOOOOO!™” Yeh, it’s trademarked.
That’s where the Pirates come in to the game. The “WOOOOO!” yell has since become a tribute to Flair, but has been around Pittsburgh for a while now pissing off Pens fans and apparently now it’s pissing off a Pirates beat writer as well as the fun police at PNC Park.
Google Flair and you get almost 4 million hits in under .2 seconds, Ric Flair® is an international icon. The Pirates are a small market baseball team.
So we see the two joining forces in the future. BOOM. Everyone wins.
OBJECTIVE: The Pittsburgh Pirates need to increase their season ticket base which sits around 3,000 full season plans.
SOLUTION: Hire Ric Flair as a pitchman.
REASON: The fans love the Woo! So go to the guy that owns it. 16-time World Champion Ric Flair has the damn trademark like we said. Plus, he’s loud. Pirates fans love being loud. Have you seen the current Pirates commercials? They are hardly like the ones you will see below.
RESUME: Watch the master of the trademark, Ric Flair, work it in these hilarious commercials for Fuel in a Bottle Energy Shot. Or as Flair says FUELINABOTTLEENERGYSHOT!!!! The Pirates is easy for Flair, there is no way he mumbles words like Bucs, Buccos, or Raise the…ah, better leave that out of the script.
OBJECTIVE: Create a reserve of funds independent of Nutting’s cash so that Frank and Neal can sign more incredibly talented free agents.
SOLUTION: Sell Pirates branded Ric Flair lottery tickets
You’ve seen the Pirates branded tickets before, boring as hell. Thousands of people scratch and throw them in the trash, two people from South Philly scratch and they are millionares. This is a failure of an idea.
Now let’s look at a winner of an idea. It combines the popular Tennessee Lottery concept with the Pittsburgh Pirates.
OBJECTIVE: Crush Dusty Baker and the Reds on Monday night, September 10. SOLUTION: Hire Ric Flair as a bench coach. Have him take out the lineup card and put the chops to Dusty Baker.
We could go on for hours. But instead we are going to go watch more Ric Flair videos. Wooooooo!!!