The Seven Deadly Sins of a Pittsburgh Pirates Fan

Well, Pittsburgh Pirates fans, we are at that scene of the 2012 season that I never imagined.   Just like the movie, I never saw it coming.  The 2012 season is that disturbing, climatic scene from the thriller movie  Se7en starring Brad Pitt, Morgan Freeman, and Kevin Spacey.


The results on the field have shown us how this season will end, just like Spacey told Pitt that he had taken his pregnant wife’s head as a souvenir.

Yet, somehow we are still screaming, still furiously asking ‘what’s in the box!?!?!???!???!!!”

“What’s in the fu%kin box!”

We know what’s in the box.   I know what’s in the box.  You know what’s in that box.

It’s the bloody remains of another losing season.

No doubt about it,  heads must roll.  Wasn’t it convenient that it appears a tift broke out at the  Kyle Stark Fan Club?   Right or wrong, scapegoats are always created when things go horribly wrong.   The Astros?  The Cubs?  It’s sickening.

But what do we do, how do we react as die-hard Pirates fans?   I advise against flexing your Hells Angels muscles.

Instead of PNC Park being electric when the Bucs return home after a trip to New York next week, it will be running on the fumes of the hardest of the die-hard.

High round draft selections haven’t transformed into studs pounding on the door of Federal Street.  Instead of having a couple of middle round, young, breakout stars on the rise, we have several players that are fighting for their major league lives.  The Triple-A team appears to be a glorified taxi squad.  But I digress.

Is it ok to just pull the trigger and blow away this season?  It seems hard to gain anything positive after the season went from being a Rocky remake to just another twisted ending comedy that is so overplayed in Pittsburgh.

There are some storylines that are positve, but it’s just so damn intense right now that we don’t want to talk about it.

So how did we get here?  Holy jumping jingle balls, how did we end up in this vast desert screaming ‘what’s in the box?’  Two games under .500?   Obviously, I sinned as a Pirates fan.

Gluttony: How much winning could this Pittsburgh Pirates fan really take? Seriously, we are Pittsburgh Pirates fans.  Wanting the Pittsburgh Pirates season to go exactly our way is sinful.  I need to repent for thinking sixteen wins over .500 would be enough of a cushion.

I coveted  the St. Louis Cardinals run of 2011.  I wanted to have the Reds bullpen.  The NL Central crown.  I wanted to pepper slap the #FirstPlaceBucs NL Central standings up-side Marty Brennaman’s bald head.  I wanted to watch post season games at PNC Park with all of you.

We were planning parties.  Alcohol soaked fruit, sloppy hot wings and pulled pork plates for everyone.  All of our Pittsburgh Pirates loving friends….drinking coldies, screaming, laughing, wiffle ball pitching, and Jolly Roger raising all the way through the….. ahh screw it.  ….the Pirates glutton had none of it, and exploded in anger.

Greed: The greed of power crept into my heart when the team was 16 games over .500.  I wanted more.  A lot more.  Give me more national articles about the Pirates.  More  of Clint Hurdle trying to win on numerous occassions by using someone other than the best pitcher in the highest leverage situation.  That’s greed.

Look, I tried to share, tried to be kind and thoughtful.  Hell, after 62 wins was reached, I started counting down the games until the team reached .500.  But we stopped.  That was so 2011.

The NL Central crown became the goal rather than just winning that night’s game.

Series wins weren’t enough.  Sweeps were necessary.  Travis Snider?  What the hell!  We wanted Chase Headley.  A set-up man, and a nasty lefty like Andrew Miller.

Sloth: Often disguised as keeping a level head, sloth means not making it a priority to do what should have been done. Like adding the two bullpen arms that were discussed before the deadline.  The mere idea of adding pitching was scoffed at by many perceived intelligent men and women. Sloth became reality as the pitching fell apart.

Don’t be confused, the story of 2012 will be all about pitching.

When I shared the idea about Se7en on twitter, Aaron had a great line…

Pride: Pittsburgh was very proud of this Pirates team just a couple of months ago.  Everything looked like 2012 was going to be the year.  After recent days, we started to think maybe if the team kept winning it would have masked some glaring holes that must be addressed.  Maybe if the team finished .500 everyone would have rejoiced, but the bigger problems would never have been fixed.

Just 22 days ago, the Pirates pitching staff strung together 21 scoreless innings against the Cardinals, the best hitting team in the NL at the time.

An overwhelming feeling of pride and arrogance leads to tragedy in life.   We were so damn proud—We talked some shit, showed some arrogance, flashed Zoltans and created STFD photoshops boasting of the Pirates dominance…..hence the tragedy.  It’s just that simple.

.Lust  Hurdled: After a while, being Hurdled becomes a habit.  The tremendous first half success Hurdle’s teams have had, diminish when we look at the entire body of work.

Seriously, what was the attraction?

One winning season in the big leagues?

Envy: Envy is perverted because it “loves” what other people teams possess, rather than what is Good Andrew McCutchen, Beautiful Sold Out PNC Park, and True   Neil Walker, Joel Hanrahan, and Pedro Alvarez.

Instead of basking in the joy of seeing the Oakland A’s proving once again that a small market team can indeed achieve great things, we just wonder where that .904 OPS and those 19 bombs in 222 at-bats came from for Brandon Moss?

Wrath: The baseball Gods are mother fuc*ers.

So the end is here.  What’s in the box!   What’s in the fu#@in box!????????


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