An Open Letter to the Pittsburgh Pirates Offense

Dear Pittsburgh Pirates sluggers,

Good evening.  We get it.  You’re tighter than a Joan Rivers facelift right now.  We would be too.

All season you’ve been a streaky bunch of hitters.  The fact is, the Pittsburgh Pirates don’t score a lot of runs, but another fact is you don’t need to score that many with Charlie Morton pitching his ass off like he did last night.

Fellas…nobody is looking for any of you to hit a dramatic two-run bomb on a 3-0 pitch like Andrew McCutchen did last night.  A big home run, while majestic, is something your team really doesn’t need.

It just doesn’t.

How ’bout a few off-the-end-0f-the-bat flare singles?  That’s something Pirates fans are dying to see.

Look how the San Diego Padres, yeh, the San Diego Padres are an afternoon game away from a four-game sweep today.  We understand that you might lose track of time from traveling so much, so here is the reminder–it’s late September.  It’s time to finish.  Time to get a win over these Friars before the Reds roll into town for the final home stand.  It’s the Padres gentlemen.  Not the Dodgers.  Not the Braves.  The Padres.

The Fathers have won three crucial games against you this week.  The Padres stayed inside the baseball.  Y’know what’s hot?  Flare hits to right field on the first pitch.  Those are as hot as Antonio Brown on the Pittsburgh Steelers sideline.

Winning ugly is the new black.  Swinging out of your Under Armours isn’t.

Winning in late September is smoking hot.  Losing to the Padres is about as exciting as a John Buck post-game interview.

Pedro Alvarez, Neil Walker, Russell Martin, Starling Marte, Justin Morneau, hell…..Insert Name Here….gentlemen, the team does not need any one of you to carry it into the postseason with crushing bombs into the river.

The Pittsburgh Pirates baseball club needs you to work a walk like you used to do.  The team needs you to understand that you have two strikes and when the ball gets away, just sprint to first base because Cutch might crush a homer behind you and its vital that you are on base.

Trust your teammate.  Trust Cutch.  Trust Pedro.  Trust Byrd.  Trust the man behind you to get the job done.  Do your job, but by all means, just get on freaking base.  Get on base by any means necessary.

Today Gerrit Cole goes to the bump.  Cole is going to pitch one hell of a ball game.  It’s a given.

Just like Charlie Morton did last night.  Just like A.J. did.

Yeh, you’re all professionals, you get the picture.  Cole outdueled Yu Darvish, then he got you off the schnide when the team beat the Cubs.  Cole punched out nine Rangers and seven Cubs.

But Cole is going to need a few runs.  Scoring 2.5 runs over your past ten won’t cut it.  Only outscoring the New York Mets in September won’t cut it either.

Ian Kennedy will be on the bump for San Diego, he allows homers, a lot of homers, but please…don’t look at those 25 bombs.  Look at those 72 walks.

Get on base.  Pass the baton.


We know this sounds so damn easy from low lifes like us.  So perhaps we can offer a suggestion.  Maybe tonight you should go out and pull an all-nighter rather than sending some stupid ass tweets about empty seats.

Perhaps you can get your shit together and just do what you do best.  Nothing more.  The talent is on the scorecard, let it play.  We know each of you gentleman care.  We get that.  Just show it in your approach at the plate.

Good Luck against these daunting Padres fellas.

Love you,


Next Pirates Game View full schedule »
Tuesday, Sep 22 Sep7:15at St. Louis CardinalsBuy Tickets

Tags: Pittsburgh Pirates

  • jdk47

    Padres came up in the 9th and put the ball in play. 2 runs on 4 singles. Pirates came up in the 9th and swung for the fence. 3 outs.

  • Obsidia

    Well-said! You know that commercial on TV…”We’ll buy any car!” Me and my husband sing, “We’ll take any hit!” Be creative! Every time the media-types predict something, it doesn’t happen. Instead, the Bucs are best when they are just running on instinct, spit, and strategic “little things.” The Home Runs are the icing on the cake. Good luck, lads!

  • Kimball John

    Garret Cole is impressive what a effort today GREAT JOB * CLINT HURDLE is. manger of the YEAR should be no doubt in anyone’s mind

  • generalisimofredofuchenschidt

    BUCS or Reds will have the chance to throw each other into the path of an oncoming train called called the NATS

    • ResistanceIsUseless

      The Nats are five behind Cincinnati and six behind the Bucs. All three teams have nine games left. You probably know the Pirates and Reds play each other in six of their remaining games. The Reds get the Mets in between and the Pirates get the Cubs. The Nats get the Marlins, then the Cardinals, and Diamondbacks.

      It’s true that if either the Reds or Pirates get 5 or 6 wins out of the upcoming two series between them the Nats may have a chance to get into the wildcard. However, the Nats would still have to play pretty well to catch up: While the Marlins don’t seem a difficult opponent, the Cardinals will be playing to win the division. If the wildcard is still in play by the final weekend, the Diamondbacks *might* have a shot at it too; in the more likely event that they don’t, I’m sure they won’t just let the Nats win. So, I don’t expect the Nats to win the 7 or 8 games they’ll need to pass one of the other teams if they falter. If both the Pirates and Reds get a couple wins against their weaker mid-week opponents and they split equally or 4-2 one way or the other, the Nats will have to win out just to get a tie.