The Pittsburgh culture celebrates sports like few other fans in the country. The recent resurgenance of the Pittsburgh Pirates is a testament to this fact.
Pittsburgh loves winners.
You have heard the stories about the city being shut down after big victories, like the 1960 World Series celebration. The parades, hell even a celebration was held for Hines Ward bringing home a dancing strobe or some shit.
Some Pirates fans have stood by the team through all of the losing. Some Pirates fans still trek to spring training where hope has been eternal each year during this dreadful losing streak.
But with winning comes new Bucco fans.
It’s a great thing. The bandwagon still has room. Jump. On. Board.
During this rebound season, the Freak Show II Pirates can leave you emotionally drained. It’s such a great team to watch, to cheer for and to expect to win. However such fanhood can impact your relationship with family and friends.
Your girlfriend or your boy toy might hate the sport. He/she might begin to hate personally hate you, and your couch dwelling ass as well. Last night you might have broken things you shouldn’t while watching the Astros flare all kinds of hits across the yard. Well, like Jordy….
Stay on the couch for a minute, we are here to tell you, it’s not your fault. But today there isn’t baseball so we have some things you might want to do today. But don’t misunderstand us, your utter love and passion for the Pittsburgh Pirates is a gift. A precious gift.
But remember, it’s important to take breaks. If you are like me, you thought the Pirates were prime to sweep the Astros. You, my friend are addicted to the Pirates.
We are here to help. Here are a few creative ways to avoid becoming a Pirateaholic.
1. Set clear goals. Realize that this team might not make the playoffs this year. (Don’t smash your screen.) This will be the hardest part of the intervention. Take some time. Let it sink in. It’s hard. Breath. Trick your mind into it.
2. Get some sleep today. Firing through Pirates blog posts or tweeting all day today isn’t healthy. The Bucs need your morale at a high level for the Cubs series. Being irritable after arguing with message board trolls will make you irritable. Be a smarter fan, not a harder working fan.
3. Spend some time with Mother Nature today. It will reduce your stress. Go for a walk, be mindful of the beauty of the outdoors. Don’t worry about sunscreen, just go. Be crazy. Find a trail to walk on and scream at the top of your lungs….
“Jeff Karstens is the best we got?! What the f@##@$% is happening!”
Say it. Let it out.
4. Eat real food. A spinoff from attending/watching too many Pirates games can impact your health. You must reintroduce fruits and vegetables into your diet. Nachos, cracker jack, bar peanuts and cotton candy are not meant to be staples of ones diet.
5. Stop printing pictures of Lyle Overbay to use as an overlay on your dartboard. Have you noticed how damn well you are throwing darts lately? Step. Away. From. Dartboard.
6. OK, I am going to say it…… the bandwagon fans will probably find another hobby. When someone makes a Neal Huntington crack today, don’t feed them, let those jackasses say what they want. Try this as your reply…..Yeh, I think they are going to lose every game the rest of the way. Even jackasses will get that youre pissed off. Remember, you deserve joy. You really deserve it, you’re a damn Pittsburgh Pirates fan. (Go to the mirror and say that three times really loud)
7. Create a Cowboy Plan to eliminate the people who say ‘Same ole Buccos’ to you today:
Snatch the Pirates hater’s phone when they leave it unattended or step into the Pirates hater’s office when they step out for a few minutes. Type this message as an email to their boss….”Heh, boss, I want to tell you something I think we should talk about…. I like staring at little boys. We should talk. I need help.”
Hit send. Walk back to your desk.
8. Drink some water. It has been and will continue to be a long, roller coaster season. I’m certain that a Carnegie Mellon student is doing a study on the lack of water in Pirates fans bodies, but until the facts come out, just trust us. Your organs need water.
9. Play BucTown three times.
10. We trust that you will never give up your passion for the Pirates. Try some of these things, it will improve your life. Maybe get you that promotion at work, maybe help you live longer. And because it seems like we are in a pennant race, adding a few years to your life might be important. The celebration might last a while.
See ya, I am off to the woods to do a number three.
Whatever you do, don’t be this guy who apparently destroyed his car after the Pirates game last night
It could hurt