Heh, you must be Francisco Liriano’s close friend. Thanks for stopping by, we truly appreciate it. We know you’re probably busy, so we will make this short and sweet.
Look, it sucks to be a Pittsburgh Pirates fan these past twenty years, but the Bucs want to sign your buddy. We know what you’re thinking, but heh this is serious. They think he can help the cause here in Pittsburgh, but since they can’t seem to get the big left hander to sign on the line that’s dotted…..
Well, we thought you might be able to help. Yeh, we know this is pathetic.
Now not to sound like an ass, but whenever someone says that it usually means something really assholish is coming, so here goes. We warned you.
Can you tell Fransico he’s just not that great of a pitcher? We are racking our brain trying to determine what possibly could be holding this deal up. If Liriano takes until a week before pitchers and catchers report to figure out he’s not in demand, then we’re not really sure the guy is too bright.
I know…I know.. we never thought we would be writing his friends for help, but it just seems like nobody can get through to the guy. He’s an underwhelming pitcher and seriously, how many days has this courtship drug on now? We know a thing or two about patience in this city, but come on.
All Neal Huntington wants to do is protect the risks of the Pirates Baseball Club. The last thing Huntington and the franchise need is another shitty free agent contract hanging over their heads. It’s like an annual occurence around here.
So since Big Frankie can’t see the writing on the wall, we are begging you to grab his one good arm and give it a shake. If you’re willing to do that for us, here are a few suggestions for you.
We went over the conversation a few times in our head and think it might go something like this, so use this as your guide:
[Throw your arm over his one good shoulder and make eye contact.]
YOU: Frankie…buddy, we’ve known each other a long time, can I be straight with you?
FRANKIE: Yeh, man.
YOU: You’ve sucked the past couple of years.
FRANKIE: (stares at the cast on his broken arm)
YOU: Why not just sign this damn deal with the Pirates and get to work? The Bucs are willing to give you a shot. Look how it turned out for that A.J. Burnett guy last season man. The numbers A.J. put up were pretty average and sometimes pretty shitty before he went to Pittsburgh–you guys seem to have a lot in common.
But look what happened to him with Pittsburgh. And you know what Frank, Burnett’s been healthier than your big ass! Burnett was actually able to locate his fastball.
FRANKIE: (stares even closer at the cast on his broken arm)
YOU: So a lot of people are thinking that maybe that can happen for you man. Pittsburgh’s getting serious about this winning stuff. Look, they just signed that Jonathan Sanchez dude, you know the one, he’s another guy who pitches a lot like you do. I’m not sure they are even paying Sanchez man.
And here you are stumbling around your bathroom trying your damndest to piss it all away.
And oh Frank, by the way, your phone’s not exactly blowing up with texts from other clubs now is it?
FRANKIE: (glances down at his phone)
YOU: Frankie…$12 million, $14 million, whatever man, that’s a lot of digits, why don’t you start getting packed up for Bradenton?
FRANKIE: You wanna sign my cast?