Pirates Phillies Series Questions Answered By That Balls Outta Here

You know how much we despise the Philadelphia Phillies. And That Balls Outta Here too, but it’s important to ask questions sometimes whether you want to or not.

Justin answered our questions today.  We answered his too.

If only a rivalry existed between the Phillies and the Pirates like it does between Justin and I.  He has it all, big market, big payroll, big writing ability.  I think it’s jealousy more than anything.

So what’s the deal with you always asking questions about our Bucs? Are we going to have to do these everytime the Pirates play the Phillies?

Yes.

Well I guess it’s ok since you did take care of the Cards for us a little bit, but what are all of these rumors about the demise of the Phillies pitching staff?

The Phillies pitching staff was celebrating being great by going on a team cruise. While celebrating in the grand dining hall, an enormous tidal wave capsized the ship and it began drifting downward to the bottom of the ocean, now completely submerged, bottom-side up. They had to band together and climb to the top of the ship (the actual bottom) in a daring attempt at rescue.

Charlie Manuel plays the ship captain and Cole Hamels plays Shelly Winters.

Is this rookie pitcher going to suck in his debut?

No, but he’s going to suck next year, when he’s gone around the league once already and been deemed the “ace of the future” by radio call-in shows.

What is an Iron Pig?

An “Iron Pig” is the preferred mount of norse gods, often wearing horrifying armor in an attempt to confuse and horrify the enemy. It’s also the name of a grotesque sex act. It’s also the name of the Phillies triple-A affiliate, who recently invented a video game you can play with your penis.

Only one of those is true.

I should have said “oink-vented.”

Is it true that (King) Erik Kratz is on your roster and making an impact? WTF? Is that the Phillies payback for Jason Grilli?

He is on the roster, yes.

[We fondly remember King Kratz bring Prince Fielder to his knees a couple years back.]

Is Ben Revere everything you thought he would be?

Ludicrous catches, zero arm, fiery approach, lack of power, monster speed. I was kind of hoping he’d literally be able to fly, and we’re looking forward to his first career home run. But yeah. Wish he’d get on base more. Also, that he could fly.

What’s your prediction for the series?

We playing four games? Yeah. So, yeah, I think we’ll split it. The Phillies aren’t playing well enough to take a series at the moment; the pitching isn’t strong enough to have zero offense anymore. We’ll score 12 total runs, seven in one game, five in another. Shut outs in the other two. Revere hits an inside-the-parker. Ryan Howard is thrown out at first from left field