Pirates Manager John Russell’s Off Season To-Do List
By Tom Smith
Pirates Manager JR is soaking up the sun, but be certain he has a few things to work on this offseason. Feel free to add to this list as it hurts my head.
10. Work on a backup career plan. 2010 might not be the year the Bucs win the pennant. When websites like this www.firejohnrussell.com start popping up overnight, well it certainly looks like your the scapegoat fella.
9. Work on saying “I screwed up.” For reference, dig up some Kordell Stewart interviews. He was famous for never being wrong. For reference, dig up some Ben Roethlisberger interviews. He is famous for taking accountability. He is also famous for winning championships. For reference, dig up your interview about how the fans didn’t give Zach Duke his moment (an ovation) because they were mad at you. Huh? Review Ben’s interviews again and practice saying, “I screwed that up, that is on me.”
8. Pull out the pictures you have of Bob at the Christmas Party. Tell him you want the Pirates on this list for Uggla (click here) and a move needs to be made to have Uggla sporting black and gold at a press conference by the winter meetings or the pictures of Bob go straight to Rum Bunter for the world to see.
7. Find Matt Capps house. Park car. Retrieve a full five gallon gasoline can from the trunk. Walk into the center of his lawn. Pour gasoline on his lawn. Throw gas can in the middle of the lawn. Light match. Throw match toward gas can. Hop in car. Call Capps immediately and ask, “Heh MATT, how does it feel Big Bull Rider?”
6. Search for balls. JR, seriously, we know you are EXTREMELY soft spoken. Please research one EXTREMELY soft spoken man that has led a team to anything of significance in the sports world. Yeh, that will take a while. Please just lose it once. You will like it. Promise. If you choose not to enjoy a tirade, please wander off to a ranch and whisper at horses. We are asking for just one, ….one, please God, one tirade.
5. While you are searching, find somebody that isn’t a first round pick, like you and Kerrigan, that actually won something. Put them on your staff. You guys didn’t win squat. The kids know that, kids these days are crazy savvy that way. The boys are real tired of your Nolan Ryan story. Hire a champion. Let them tell stories of winning championships.
4. Smile. Heh we know it’s not all rainbows, vanilla lollipops, and cotton candy. We understand, but find a way to make this game fun for the team. Maybe the wife has a hot friend for Tabata? Something…anything. Obviously, losing sucks. And right now we lose a lot. Change it. Quickly. Lead us out of this freaking swamp. These kids need to be hip bumping on a much more regular basis. Remember Mom always told you, “You have to turn that frown upside down JR!”
3. Get Bob to spend some cash for the right players, not has beens. Hell, just sign one really solid player. One. O-N-E. Screw that. Tell Bob to sign whoever you want. Hell, You are the manager of this franchise. Trade in those glasses you wear for a pair like these and run the Bucs like North Korea!
2. Kiss the wife (often) and the boys.
1. Fill in the blank. Best answer will win an Under Armour shirt. Come on fans…mine suck. Light it up.