Pirates Ban Hillbillies From PNC Park


PITTSBURGH–The Pirates lost their eleventh game in a row and the team now sits 20 games under .500 at 23-43. Something needed to be done and the Pirates management acted in a stealth like manner when the Pirates President announced that hillbillies will no longer be allowed at PNC Park. It was a bold move by an organization that is desperately trying to rebuild its’ fan base.

From the Pirates statement: “If you own a

shotgun, still miss McLouth, have gone barefoot while impersonating Nyjer getting caught stealing, or have worn a Jack Wilson floppy hat within the past 72 hours, drank moonshine and whiskey which was homemade while wondering how Jose Bautista got away, plays the banjo or fiddle, drives old beat up pick up trucks with K-Dro stickers on the tailgate, has bad teeth, is poorly educated, has a beard, last name is Perrotto, wears worn out clothes and hand me downs such as old Sanchez jerseys, and is happy and content with what they have……. these people will no longer be allowed to enter PNC Park.”

Twenty-five minutes after the announcement was officially made public, PNC Park sold out the weekend series against cross-state rival, the Cleveland Indians. A Pirates spokesman said, “we banned hillbillies last October, but as organizational policy, we didn’t feel the need to announce it to the fans. It’s a distraction.”

Kurt Evans, a 19-year old VP of Creation for a local Pirates blog said, “As a diehard Pirates fan who has been following this team for nearly 20 consecutive losing seasons, I really wanted to be here without the assholes.”

“I was here last evening too. Fans booed Pedro Alvarez after his first at-bat,” said Lori Smith, “it’s idiotic. He has played two games.”

The hillbilly Pirates fans, who have been obviously discriminated against, are expected to make an announcement today. It could come as soon as 10am from the Pirates FANS for Change radio station: 93.7TheFAN.

The President of the hillbilly group, Mr. Ron Cook, earlier this week said GM Neal Huntington should call up Pedro Alvarez to the Major Leagues to save his job:

"Huntington has to be running out of time. He’s in the final season of a three-year contract and management has given no indication it plans on extending him. There’s a good reason for that. Overall, he hasn’t done a very good job."

Today it was also announced Huntington was signed to an extension.  The extension was signed last October.  Nice.  We won’t miss your beard at PNC Mr. Cook.