Sex, Lies, and Spoiled Rotten Pierogies


It’s a sad day in Pittsburgh.  The Pittsburgh Pirates lost again last night.  The team isn’t very good at winning baseball games.  Most of us realize that fact, but the latest news out of Pittsburgh is downright shocking.  The Great Pittsburgh Pierogi Race N’at is fixed.  Sure, the organization is going to deny this fact, but we have found the truth.  We’re not sure we can handle the truth…

There is no confirmation to the rumors of  performance enhancing drug use by two of the pierogies as many of the facts are limited at this time, but the situation smells of a tell-all book.   We believe we discovered the working title.  As more information comes to light, we will bring it to you, reporters are certain to be all over the situation tonight at PNC Park.

The Pirates introduced Pierogi Race N’at in 1999 at Three Rivers Stadium.   You have seen races like this at sporting events throughout the country, typically at stadiums where the product on the field is lackluster.  The race in Pittsburgh consists of four runners, costumed as pierogies, dashing along the outfield warning track to a finish line near the right field foul pole.

Until now, everyone believed it was a good, honest, and clean race.  Something fans could look forward to at PNC Park.  No longer.  That myth has been exposed.

Pittsburghers take the race very seriously, but since the Pirates dark secret was revealed, I am anxious to see how this is explained by management.  How the secret was revealed is typical of an organization that hasn’t performed well in what seems like an eternity.  It was from within.

The Pirates dismissed a pierogi for posting a negative message on his Facebook page about the losing streak.  We can’t confirm if the 24 year-old pierogi still lives at home, but once the pierogi was fired, he told his Mother that his $25 per game gig was up.  She was pissed and broke the story to the media.

Apparently after having been turned down by all of the major outlets such as Deadspin, TMZ, and the Enquirer, she settled for The Pittsburgh Post Gazette which picked it up and ran it deep within the paper in an apparent attempt to bury the facts.

But you can’t hide the truth from RumBunter.  We get the news.  Rumors of a new book are rampant with a working title of  Sex, Lies, and Spoiled Rotten Pierogies.  I know, I know, first professional rasslin’ and now pierogi races.  What is a man to do?

Read more on the shocking news here

SPOILER ALERT:   This is where the whole salty truth of the pierogi race fixing comes out.

PNC Park posts the standings of each pierogi on the jumbotron after each race.  The fired pierogi, Mr. Andrew Kurtz, states in the PG article that the pierogi races were not always fixed, but it certainly sounds ‘predetermined.’

"“They try to keep it close,” he said. “They don’t want a pierogi to fall too far behind. So if Jalapeno Hannah is two, three games behind, they kind of want her to win, so they pick the fastest runner out of the four runners that are racing that night and give Hannah to that one.”"

In closing, we would like to thank Mr. Kurtz for coming forward with the truth.  I, for one,  am done with this Pirates organization.  I am struggling with this personally, but how do I explain this to my son?