MLB: Prepare To Be Hanrahaned


Joel Hanrahan

was named the Pittsburgh Pirates closer yesterday.  We think you know our feelings on that situation.     Hanrahan didn’t say much during the offseason, he never really does, which is why Pittsburgh should be buying his jersey like crazy.

He fits right in.

Hanrahan is obviously some freaking non-human super creature.  Hanrahan would dominate Watson’s ass on Jeopardy, just like he dominates the rest of Major League Baseball.

But that’s our secret Pirates fans.  About the only quote we heard from Hanrahan this offseason was a great one.

"“No one wants to go to arbitration. I’ve heard bad things about it.”–Joel Hanrahan"

Everyone knows what the deal is. Hanrahan is super human. He isn’t afraid of the biggest sluggers in the game, do you really think he’s afraid of some full grown men in judges gowns called arbitrators?  It was the Pirates who were obviously intimidated by the 6’4″ 245 pound right-handed lover of Slipknot.

Once again, if you think Hanrahan is human, go ahead and explain this shitt …

Explain how Hanrahan struck out more batters than innings pitched in every month of the season.

Explain how he gave up more than two hits in just five appearances last season? Some insiders would argue he acted human purposely to stay under the radar.

Explain how he struck out more than 100 batters while pitching just 69.2 innings.

The arbitration  was a great deal for the Bucs. They paid $1.4 million bucks and have a genetic mutant striking out the opposition at remarkable ratios in 2011.  What’s amazing is the media didn’t bother covering his deal, but threw a freaking shitt fit about Ross Ohelendorf.  Oh well, I guess they swung and missed to…

Still not convinced?

Clint Hurdle also will have a man who can swing the bat on days when he won’t close.  Look at the Nats scoreboard below….  Hurdle has a rule that pitchers won’t be used three days in a row, hence Hanrahan can swing the stick.

So here is what we envision when Hanrahan enters the game.

He grabs his weapons, hops on his barn queen of a big twin motorcycle with some hot back warmer babe.  He clutches that front brake and smokes tire as he exits the bullpen on the new Hanra-nator burn out strip, he pulls it up and rides on that back tire all the way to the mound.

All the while Slipknot is rocking at ear-drum popping levels…. so hit the music.

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***We saw the headline for this post, Prepare To Be Hanrahaned on Twitter, someone used it for the name of their fantasy team.  Just too cool to pass up.  We can’t find the guys twitter account to save our ass now.