The 2012 Pittsburgh Pirates As Members of Your Softball Team


Most of you have been on a softball team at some point in your life.  Softball is good fun.  Since the Pittsburgh Pirates have a team of really good guys we started thinking how they would be on our rec softball league team.  Our team always jokes about having one of the Bucs come to town for a game or two.  Unfortunately it hasn’t happened yet.

We’ve played against some former big leaguers in our teams annual trip to York.  It’s not a lot of fun.  We struggled trying to put it all together, but we started rolling when we saw some inspiration from legendary Zoo With Roy who has done this for the Philadelphia Phillies a few times, each one funnier than the last one.

So here we go, we kick it off with the starting infield….

Garrett is that guy that has absolutely no idea what the rules are.  He fails to tag up in crucial situations, doesn’t always look smart in the field, but nobody says a word to him.  He’s called El Legend for a reason.  The guy has been busting windows in the pickup trucks parked beyond the left field fence since someone found him at the bar years ago.

A lot of rumors surround the guy, including he used to mash for the most legendary of all company softball teams, the undefeated, High Times Bonghitters   in the New York Media Softball League.

Everyone always asks why a guy with this much power keeps showing up for a team like yours, but since you never really see him at work you don’t ask him many questions about it.

Garrett is the guy on your team that brings all the hotties to the games too.  Of course they ooohhh and ahhhh even when he grounds out to second base.  He doesn’t brag in the dugout, he never says much at all really, so who cares if makes the first out of an inning at third base or gets thrown out by fifteen feet (when he does manage to keep the ball in the yard.)

So, yeh, Big Garrett is that mysterious guy on the team.  Hell, he might even be the guy behind the incredibly entertaining H-T Bonghitters softball twitter account.  All those images seem like something he might enjoy.

Clint is the new boss’s kid. Before the season, the team manager described him to you as a guy who would bloody his nose for the team.  Geez, shoulda got that on a company email, cuz this guy has done nothing close to bleeding for the team.  Hell, this meatstick hasn’t even brought a couple pops for the team to drink after the game.

The guy looks so freakin’ silly with that $400 piece of airplane titanium in his hands when he steps to the plate.  Even sillier when he swings at the first pitch after the pitcher has walked two of your co-workers in a row.  6-4-3.  (Again!)  Even the skinny kid in accounting shakes his head when Clint whiffs with the bases drunk.

That bat has maxed out the team’s homerun limit countless times, but shit…c’mon, everyone knows it hasn’t done shit for Clint.  Well except that time he used it to throw at the ball that got stuck above the backstop–and shit, even that took him ten tries.

Sure, he has a solid glove at short and everyone knows that’s very important when that Power of Boswer team hits piss rocket after piss rocket at him.  But a lot of players on the team say he doesn’t have the all around ability of your boy Rohnie.  Oh man who woulda thought we would miss Rohnie?  That guy made some insane catches in foul ground while always avoiding the keg.

Some of the MILFs  in the concession stand are starting to like him.  Admit it.  That made you jealous too.  But you took care of it.

Some guys from sales were joking that a manequin would get more knocks than Clint could, so you dressed one up in his jersey.  Everybody got a charge outta that.

Neil is the heart and soul of the team.  He’s been around forever, guy never misses a game.  Guy knows everybody too.  Even though he was hired by the old leadership, he has carried the torch for this historically bad softball team by always producing.

Need a double, he’s the guy.  Sometimes he hits right handed just for the hell of it.  Freakin’ show off.

Not much is ever said about his past, but from what you hear,  there was some controversy when he was coming up in the company.  Some thought he might never move up the ladder, but when he got his break he made the most of it.   He’s like a VP now or something.

The guy does it all too….he takes calls from work just after fist bumping the entire dugout after crushing another game winner.  He texts his buddies between innings and always chats it up with his gorgeous wife and her friends before he heads back out to the field.  Oh yeh, he can dance too…always important for post game festivities, well at least on those nights when you feel ambitious enough to leave the parking lot after the game.

Pedro is the softball guy.   If only he paid attention to you, it might make you feel a bit more comfortable around him.  The guy just doesn’t talk to you much.  You always brush it off as him being ‘just too into softball for you.’  The real truth is it’s probably hard for him to watch your pathetic ass slapping oppo singles and flashing right hand on top Soltan signs toward the dugout as everyone mocks your sorry ass.

Pedro’s the guy on your team that shows up to your game after already hitting seven bombs that day for one of his other teams.  He gets out of his car with an empty solo cup and a big smile….if only he was smiling at your sorry ass, look over your shoulder ass clown…., it’s the Betty’s who he is is smiling at jackass.

Pedro crushes seven cordial bottles in the dugout while he mashes another seven bombs.  It seems like it’s hard for him to take your team seriously, especially when a guy like Clint is trying so damn hard to crush that neon yellow ball being lobbed by a sweaty, beer bellied pitcher straight outta the afternoon Happy Hour.

Everyone’s biggest concern is if Pedro should get hurt what would the team do.  Or maybe Pedro will lose the desire to watch you and Clint swing ‘n miss with the bases full of the admin team.   It’s obvious the team would just go back to sucking again without Pedro.  Damn would that suck, better get him another drink before he leaves us for the LongHaul Bombers.


If you guys think this is funny and we get enough reaction, we will try and do the outfielders….