Maybe MLB Should Just Cancel The Pittsburgh Pirates Season
By Tom Smith
It’s bad in Pittsburgh.
Pedro Alvarez has received more venom than Mayor Lukes’ Police Department for his crimes at the plate in Los Angeles and against the Cubs.
Neil Walker needs to abandon batting right-handed forever.
All those bombs Garrett Jones hit the past few years? A mirage.
All those questionable pitchers? Don’t look at those. The A.J. Burnett uptick in velocity, all that swing and miss stuff? The magical Wandy? JMac? The Dark Horse? Don’t pay attention to any of that.
This 2013 Pittsburgh Pirates season needs cancelled. It’s over. Over, do you hear?
Why in the world are the Pirates even showing up in Arizona tonight? The Snakes are coming off a sweep of the hated Milwaukee Brewers. The Diamondbacks are scoring runs in bunches. The Snakes are in the top three in Major League Baseball in hitting. Pirates killer Gerardo Parra (career .308 average with 10 RBI in 23 games) is off to a wicked start. He will surely continue his dominance of the Bucs.
Looking ahead to the upcoming series with the hated Reds is just as threatening. Only one team in baseball has scored more runs than Marty’s Redlegs. The Reds are fresh off two impressive series wins over the Nationals and the Angels. Doom is coming, the only thing to look forward to is getting the free A.J. Burnett shirt Friday night… and, of course, all those fireworks Saturday night.
The Cardinals. Oh Lord, Adam Wainwright and the boys. The Braves? The Braves? Holy shit – that white t-shirt they are giving away might be used as a surrender flag. The Phillies in Philly? Well, there’s the break in the slaughter, but the Cardinals and Brewers follow them!
Yeah, six games in, and the Bucs are done in 2013.
Yes, it’s been head scratching. It’s made our stomach hurt. The bottom line is, it’s been a really shitty stretch of Bucco baseball at the start of the season, following a season in which the team had an historic, monstrous collapse. But we’re used to those by now, aren’t we?
The Pirates are streaky. They go on streaks that would make Will Ferrell proud, it’s just what they do. Maybe it will end someday, but until it does, that’s the hand we’ve been dealt. We felt this team would get off to a slow start – you probably did, too.
But the reaction in Pittsburgh is hard to take. Perhaps if the team hadn’t given us so much to get pumped up about last season, none of this would be noticed. Right now, it’s hard to even listen to sports radio, or follow some people on Twitter. It’s that time of the year when we are thankful for the unfollow button and truly appreciate the genius that is satellite radio.
If the Pirates are hitting this poorly around Memorial Day, we can hit the switch… until then, we’re going to keep it under control.