What If Masahiro Tanaka Had Signed With Pittsburgh Pirates?
By Tom Smith
Since there is nothing to do this offseason for Pittsburgh Pirates fans but wait until the next concert announcement, let’s pretend Marshall Mathers never picked up a pen and let’s pretend the Yankees didn’t sign Masahiro Tanaka. For the next several moments, the Pittsburgh Pirates signed Masahiro Tanaka.
Just play along.
THE TWEET THAT ROCKED THE BURGH
The city of Pittsburgh is electric with the news of the signing which came as a shock to the entire Pittsburgh fanbase. Pirates beat writer Rob Biertempfel of The Trib broke the news of the Tanaka signing when he sent the tweet that rocked Pittsburgh. Most fans laughed at the quote by GM Neal Huntington, but in what is being hailed as the boldest move in MLB history, the Pirates lured the star power pitcher away from the New York Yankees and Los Angeles Dodgers.
The tweet announcing Mashiro Tanaka signing with the Pirates.
BOB NUTTING SHAKES THE DOLLAR GENERAL LABEL
The initial reports are that Pirates majority owner Bob Nutting was the man who pulled the trigger on the shocking deal that has Major League Baseball Executive Council looking to make adjustments to the posting rules that will only allow the major market ballclubs to bid on players like Tanaka in the future.
If the Pirates can deliver a World Series Championship with Tanaka in their now loaded rotation, Nutting is likely to be the 2014 S.I. Sportsman of the Year Award Winner when all is said and done this season.
Numerous sources (and we are working on more information currently) say that Nutting has sold his Seven Springs Resort, Hidden Valley Resort and several body parts to kick in a portion of the cash to lure Tanaka to Pittsburgh. Nutting also was able to negotiate the following individuals to work without pay for the Pittsburgh Pirates this season: Frank Coonelly, Pirates President, Neal Huntington Senior Vice President and General Manager, Clint Hurdle, Manager, Jeff Banister, Bench Coach and most other members of the Pirates organizational chart will be donating various portions of their salary in 2014 and parts of 2015.
SPONSORSHIP CHANGES COMING FOR PIRATES
The Pirates admitted that they have been working on the Tanaka deal for over two years. The controversial TV deal with ROOT Sports that Frank Coonelly spoke so highly of at PirateFest? Well, it seems that the Pirates will be broadcasting over 100 games in Tanaka’s home country. This move is reported to chip in an additional $20 million per season in the Pirates coffers for the next three years.
While some Yinzers confused Tanaka with the former pro wrestling star at his press conference, it was more than apparent that a lot of Pittsburgh know exactly who the player is..and what he can do. The phones on the third floor at Federal Street have been flooded all day with calls for season tickets despite the new mandatory requirement for fans in the lower infield box levels to wear a specific corporate sponsor hat during the first five innings of all games at PNC.
The billboards on outfield fences at the park are said to have immediately sold, and we have also heard from a source that the Pirates will become the first MLB team to remove the logo from the front of the jersey (as well as the sleeve) and will replace them with a rotating schedule of corporate sponsors. Some reports have the Pirates getting $35 million per season for the bold move.
The Rivers Casino Pirates? Who gives a rats ass! Sell it out!
UPDATE: We just learned that Post Foods will be paying the Pirates organization $8 million dollars per season for the pitching staff to wear the Fruity Pebbles glove modeled here by Tanaka.
UPDATED UPDATE: PNC Bank has announced that it will take a ten percent portion of all ATM fees collected during day games at PNC Park and will donate it to the Pirates organization to assist in paying for the Tanaka contract.
NOT JUST ONE TANAKA, THERE ARE TWO!
But lost in the hoopla of the biggest signing in Pirates history is the fact that Pittsburgh will be graced with their first power couple as Mai Satoda will be coming to the Burgh with her power pitching husband. The Pirates will be getting the Golden Arm who led the Rakuten Golden Eagles with a 24-0 record last year, but his wife is well known for her TV experience and music talents.
Satoda has been in an the all-girl pop group Country Musume or as we say in Pittsburgh C’untry Gals! The group broke up a number of years ago but she gained fame from being on a local television show and is expected to pursue numerous opportunities within the Pittsburgh music scene. We hear the Clarks need another singer?
Others see her being heavily involved in the growing Pittsburgh movie scene.
Obviously, we can see her taking the stage with the local talk radio hosts on The Nightly Sports Call. It sure would make the show a must watch and provide much needed eye candy for Pomp.
From the NY Daily News:
"“In the (Country Musume) group, she was not as famous,” said one Japanese TV reporter, who asked not to be named. “When she joined ‘Quiz! Hexagon,’ then she became very famous. She would always give the wrong answer, and in Japan, the audience likes that. It’s a little cute and funny.”"
But enough about Tanaka’s wife. It’s time to stare at some GIFs until Spring Training arrives. Oh shit. We just heard the announcement about all of these concerts being cancelled at PNC Park this year too. Back to drooling…
DID YOU SEE THE SPLITTER?