Fans should take Pirates' rumored interest in Kyle Schwarber with a grain of salt

Every winter, the Pittsburgh Pirates find a way to make the fanbase feel like Charlie Brown sprinting toward Lucy and that doomed football. This year’s football? “Interest” in Kyle Schwarber.

Let’s all take a deep breath before we pass out from laughing too hard.

You know the cycle. MLB insider tweets that the Pirates have “checked in on” a player who actually costs real money, local fans perk up for two seconds, and Bob Nutting immediately calls IT to make sure the Pirate Parrot hasn’t hacked the payroll servers.

Schwarber is not a “check in” target. He’s a real hitter, a legitimate DH, a guy who hits baseballs into orbit, and — most importantly — a player with an actual salary expectation. You don’t get out of bed to talk to Schwarber’s agent unless you’re serious about paying someone like Schwarber.

Which means Ben Cherington didn’t get out of bed.

Remember when the Pirates were “in” on José Abreu? Or when they “liked” Brandon Belt? Or when they “monitored” the first-base market for three straight years and ended up with Connor Joe and whatever else they could find at the bottom of the bargain bin? This is the same playbook.

Pirates' rumored interest in Kyle Schwarber, Josh Naylor is nothing more than PR spin

Oh, we have to mention the “we were willing to offer Josh Naylor more than $78 million!” storyline. Cute. Adorable. Precious, even.

If the Pirates were truly prepared to shatter their all-time free-agent record by more than doubling it, why is that information conveniently surfacing after Naylor signed elsewhere? It's classic PR spin: "We tried."

Except they didn’t really. Because they never do.

If the Pirates want fans to believe, they have to actually sign someone. You can talk about payroll flexibility until the payroll itself actually flexes. But until “interest” turns into signatures, until Nutting actually allows the front office to sit at the grownups table in free agency, Pirates fans have every right to treat this Schwarber rumor the same way they treat “Nutting promises to reinvest revenue” — with eye rolls so violent they count as core workouts.

Wake us up when the Pirates sign someone whose contract wouldn’t fit entirely inside Mitch Keller’s glove. But hey — at least we’re in midseason form already.